Take It Easy....

My best girlfriend in the world had a Holiday Party on Saturday. My boyfriend and I went together, and had a smashing time. And by smashing I mean, literally, I was smashed. I didn't eat enough and was drinking delicious Cosmos. I may have also had a glass of champagne somewhere in there.

Now, don't get me wrong, I was not the only intoxicated person at the party. But I don't remember the last hour of being there. I do know the following: I knocked a glass over with my coat on the way out, threw up behind the apartment building, threw up in my boyfriends jeep, and fell twice trying to get into his apartment where I promptly threw up again. I also chipped the beautiful swarovski ring he gave me.

I woke up on Sunday morning feeling miserable. Physically and emotionally. I think I felt worse emotionally. I hated the fact that I couldn't remember...what if I embarrassed myself, said something stupid, or insulted someone? Now before you decide I'm a problem drinker...let me say that this kind of thing never happens to me. ever.

I've spent the entire week relieving the night in my head. Spinning the story so that it gets worse and worse. Adding details that I know aren't true. Imagining that my friend will never talk to me again, thinking that my boyfriend is embarrassed of me....ashamed of me.

I know what you're thinking..."it happens to everyone, it's ok", "your friend and boyfriend love you, they forgive you. And I know that. But I can't forgive me. Sometimes it's so hard not to place higher standards on myself than I place on anyone else. I don't want to do the wrong thing.

This isn't the first time I've obsessed over a "mistake". I'm trying to stop punishing myself by forcing myself to relive my mistakes again and again. I drive my boyfriend crazy because I make him relieve these events with me. It's almost like I need someone to reaffirm the wrongs things I've done.

I've written about my battle with anxiety before -- this is one of the hardest aspects.

Today I read this article: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/hard-on-yourself.html

It makes sense...I'm going to try and take it to heart.

So honestly, it's been a hard week. And I've had weeks like this before where I've obsessed over details over a single event (meeting at work, conversation with a family member, saying the wrong thing even when it's well intentioned...the list goes on and on)...and I always blame myself.

I want to stop this -- I'm not sure how. So I turn to the masses...

Do you accept your mistakes? Do you struggle with perfection? How do you accept yourself for who you are? How do you accept that you don't always do the right thing?