I woke up this morning at around 10am with an intense hankering for a Food Network marathon. Boyfriend is away, so I knew the timing was perfect. For the past two hours I've been curled up on the couch watching celebrity chefs make Holiday meals. I even added some cinnamon to my coffee grounds, so that I too could have a lazy-girl's version of a "special holiday treat". I don't know why, but the Food Network relaxes me like nothing else...I could watch anything they air (including Rachael Ray, but excluding Emeril -- hate him, and have no reason for it).
Maybe this will get me in the mood for the Christmas cookie party I'm heading off to at around 3pm. I never been to one before -- but apparently I just show up with 2 recipes... (I'm bringing Magnolia Bakery's peanut butter chocolate chip cookie recipe, and espresso shortbread recipe from Gourmet mag). We bake together and drink wine, and then order some Chinese food and watch Christmas movies. Seriously, how could you go wrong with that?
And speaking of areas where I HAVE gone wrong. Christmas Shopping. Haven't done it yet. I know, Monday is Christmas eve. I'm off to Union Square tomorrow with a girlfriend for brunch and then some serious shopping. Otherwise I am going to find myself in a mall on Long Island on Christmas Eve...and that basically sounds like my worst nightmare.
I hope you all have a lovely (and relaxing) pre-holiday weekend. Anyone doing anything exciting?
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Friday, December 14, 2007
Take It Easy....
My best girlfriend in the world had a Holiday Party on Saturday. My boyfriend and I went together, and had a smashing time. And by smashing I mean, literally, I was smashed. I didn't eat enough and was drinking delicious Cosmos. I may have also had a glass of champagne somewhere in there.
Now, don't get me wrong, I was not the only intoxicated person at the party. But I don't remember the last hour of being there. I do know the following: I knocked a glass over with my coat on the way out, threw up behind the apartment building, threw up in my boyfriends jeep, and fell twice trying to get into his apartment where I promptly threw up again. I also chipped the beautiful swarovski ring he gave me.
I woke up on Sunday morning feeling miserable. Physically and emotionally. I think I felt worse emotionally. I hated the fact that I couldn't remember...what if I embarrassed myself, said something stupid, or insulted someone? Now before you decide I'm a problem drinker...let me say that this kind of thing never happens to me. ever.
I've spent the entire week relieving the night in my head. Spinning the story so that it gets worse and worse. Adding details that I know aren't true. Imagining that my friend will never talk to me again, thinking that my boyfriend is embarrassed of me....ashamed of me.
I know what you're thinking..."it happens to everyone, it's ok", "your friend and boyfriend love you, they forgive you. And I know that. But I can't forgive me. Sometimes it's so hard not to place higher standards on myself than I place on anyone else. I don't want to do the wrong thing.
This isn't the first time I've obsessed over a "mistake". I'm trying to stop punishing myself by forcing myself to relive my mistakes again and again. I drive my boyfriend crazy because I make him relieve these events with me. It's almost like I need someone to reaffirm the wrongs things I've done.
I've written about my battle with anxiety before -- this is one of the hardest aspects.
Today I read this article: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/hard-on-yourself.html
It makes sense...I'm going to try and take it to heart.
So honestly, it's been a hard week. And I've had weeks like this before where I've obsessed over details over a single event (meeting at work, conversation with a family member, saying the wrong thing even when it's well intentioned...the list goes on and on)...and I always blame myself.
I want to stop this -- I'm not sure how. So I turn to the masses...
Do you accept your mistakes? Do you struggle with perfection? How do you accept yourself for who you are? How do you accept that you don't always do the right thing?
Now, don't get me wrong, I was not the only intoxicated person at the party. But I don't remember the last hour of being there. I do know the following: I knocked a glass over with my coat on the way out, threw up behind the apartment building, threw up in my boyfriends jeep, and fell twice trying to get into his apartment where I promptly threw up again. I also chipped the beautiful swarovski ring he gave me.
I woke up on Sunday morning feeling miserable. Physically and emotionally. I think I felt worse emotionally. I hated the fact that I couldn't remember...what if I embarrassed myself, said something stupid, or insulted someone? Now before you decide I'm a problem drinker...let me say that this kind of thing never happens to me. ever.
I've spent the entire week relieving the night in my head. Spinning the story so that it gets worse and worse. Adding details that I know aren't true. Imagining that my friend will never talk to me again, thinking that my boyfriend is embarrassed of me....ashamed of me.
I know what you're thinking..."it happens to everyone, it's ok", "your friend and boyfriend love you, they forgive you. And I know that. But I can't forgive me. Sometimes it's so hard not to place higher standards on myself than I place on anyone else. I don't want to do the wrong thing.
This isn't the first time I've obsessed over a "mistake". I'm trying to stop punishing myself by forcing myself to relive my mistakes again and again. I drive my boyfriend crazy because I make him relieve these events with me. It's almost like I need someone to reaffirm the wrongs things I've done.
I've written about my battle with anxiety before -- this is one of the hardest aspects.
Today I read this article: http://www.life-with-confidence.com/hard-on-yourself.html
It makes sense...I'm going to try and take it to heart.
So honestly, it's been a hard week. And I've had weeks like this before where I've obsessed over details over a single event (meeting at work, conversation with a family member, saying the wrong thing even when it's well intentioned...the list goes on and on)...and I always blame myself.
I want to stop this -- I'm not sure how. So I turn to the masses...
Do you accept your mistakes? Do you struggle with perfection? How do you accept yourself for who you are? How do you accept that you don't always do the right thing?
Friday, June 1, 2007
Yipes....
I just noticed, for about the 3rd time in the past three days, that my fly is open.
Seriously. What the hell is going on? Why am I suddenly (and consistently) forgetting to zip my pants?
On another note, I could not be happier that the weekend is here. The boyfriend and I are leaving for FL on Tuesday, and will be there on vacation for 7 days. 2 days will be spent visiting his parents...they live in The Villages near Orlando. I've never been but J says it's like the movie Cocoon. We'll be playing some golf (I'm not really excited about that), and going to Seaworld (I am REALLY excited about that, even though I am scared to death of all sea-life).
Once we're done with "Meet the Parents" we're heading to Vero Beach to spend a few days alone at the condo. All I want to do is sit on the beach and drink Corona's. J's never been so of course I want to take him to all my favorite restaurants and bars.
Can you tell I'm excited? Hopefully I'll remember to keep my pants zipped (in public, at least ;))...
Have a great weekend!
Seriously. What the hell is going on? Why am I suddenly (and consistently) forgetting to zip my pants?
On another note, I could not be happier that the weekend is here. The boyfriend and I are leaving for FL on Tuesday, and will be there on vacation for 7 days. 2 days will be spent visiting his parents...they live in The Villages near Orlando. I've never been but J says it's like the movie Cocoon. We'll be playing some golf (I'm not really excited about that), and going to Seaworld (I am REALLY excited about that, even though I am scared to death of all sea-life).
Once we're done with "Meet the Parents" we're heading to Vero Beach to spend a few days alone at the condo. All I want to do is sit on the beach and drink Corona's. J's never been so of course I want to take him to all my favorite restaurants and bars.
Can you tell I'm excited? Hopefully I'll remember to keep my pants zipped (in public, at least ;))...
Have a great weekend!
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
On Love....
Yesterday, I went to the Paris movie theatre in Manhattan, to see the film "Paris, je t'aime."
To quote the formal synopsis:
"Paris, je t'aime is about the plurality of cinema in one mythic location: Paris, the City of Love. Twenty filmmakers will bring their own personal touch, underlining the wide variety of styles, genres, encounters and the various atmospheres and lifestyles that prevail in the neighborhoods of Paris. Each director has been given five minutes of freedom, and we, as producers, carry the responsibility of weaving a single narrative unit out of those twenty moments. The 20 films will not appear in the order of the arrondissements, from one to twenty, but rather, in a pertinent narrative order, initially unknown to the audience."
This was one of the most interesting and moving films I've ever seen. 20 different takes on what love is, how it feels, how it's played out, and how it effects us in different ways.
As I watched the movie, I started to think about my feelings on love...the things I love, the people that I love, and the way that I love.
Love scares me because I don't know how it's supposed to feel. Everyone says that when you are in love you'll just know it...that it will be easy. But I'm not sure if that's true.
I know that some love is easy...the love I feel for my parents and sister...I know what that looks like. I remember my grandpa had a stoke when I was in high school, and I went to see him in the hospital when he was dying...I laid in his bed, and put my head on his chest...I held his hand...I remember that everything inside of me ached and ached.
As I lay there, I thought to myself, "this is what love feels like."
I remember when I was 22 years old, I moved into my first apartment to live alone for the first time. That night, I lay on my new bed, in my new place that I had paid for with my own money ...I stared at the ceiling and I thought, "this is what love feels like."
I remember what it felt like to realize that I was an adult. I remember how I was filled with sadness and happiness at the same time. I looked in the mirror and realized I really liked the woman who was looking back at me....I looked at that woman and I thought, "this is what love feels like."
For all of my life, love has been something that I've felt on my own...I've never shared it. It scares me to think that I could make a mistake, and use the word "love" only to find out later that I was wrong. What if I think I'm in love, but I just confused my feelings? Once it's been said, it can't be taken back. It scares me to give that piece of me away. I'm afraid that if I give it away, I will have nothing left for myself.
How do you feel about love? What does it feel like to you? Is love something that's easy to give away, is there an endless supply?
To quote the formal synopsis:
"Paris, je t'aime is about the plurality of cinema in one mythic location: Paris, the City of Love. Twenty filmmakers will bring their own personal touch, underlining the wide variety of styles, genres, encounters and the various atmospheres and lifestyles that prevail in the neighborhoods of Paris. Each director has been given five minutes of freedom, and we, as producers, carry the responsibility of weaving a single narrative unit out of those twenty moments. The 20 films will not appear in the order of the arrondissements, from one to twenty, but rather, in a pertinent narrative order, initially unknown to the audience."
This was one of the most interesting and moving films I've ever seen. 20 different takes on what love is, how it feels, how it's played out, and how it effects us in different ways.
As I watched the movie, I started to think about my feelings on love...the things I love, the people that I love, and the way that I love.
Love scares me because I don't know how it's supposed to feel. Everyone says that when you are in love you'll just know it...that it will be easy. But I'm not sure if that's true.
I know that some love is easy...the love I feel for my parents and sister...I know what that looks like. I remember my grandpa had a stoke when I was in high school, and I went to see him in the hospital when he was dying...I laid in his bed, and put my head on his chest...I held his hand...I remember that everything inside of me ached and ached.
As I lay there, I thought to myself, "this is what love feels like."
I remember when I was 22 years old, I moved into my first apartment to live alone for the first time. That night, I lay on my new bed, in my new place that I had paid for with my own money ...I stared at the ceiling and I thought, "this is what love feels like."
I remember what it felt like to realize that I was an adult. I remember how I was filled with sadness and happiness at the same time. I looked in the mirror and realized I really liked the woman who was looking back at me....I looked at that woman and I thought, "this is what love feels like."
For all of my life, love has been something that I've felt on my own...I've never shared it. It scares me to think that I could make a mistake, and use the word "love" only to find out later that I was wrong. What if I think I'm in love, but I just confused my feelings? Once it's been said, it can't be taken back. It scares me to give that piece of me away. I'm afraid that if I give it away, I will have nothing left for myself.
How do you feel about love? What does it feel like to you? Is love something that's easy to give away, is there an endless supply?
Friday, May 25, 2007
Chomping At The Bit....
I am literally chomping at the bit to get out of work today. The arctic subzero temperatures in my office aren't helping. The impending three day weekend is not helping either.
I'm just excited to get the weekend started.
I love NYC this time of year. It's not too hot, it's not too cold...and it's so easy to see why people come to this city and fall in love with it, and never leave. I'm a sucker for weekends laying in the grass at Central Park, Happy Hours sitting outside in the middle of the week, and taking the long way to the subway just so that I can enjoy the last sunny moments of each day.
Yeah, I'm in a great mood :).
Adding to that fantastic mood is the fact that I have declared Memorial Weekend a "food holiday." I only allow for a few of these a year. In my little world, a "food holiday" is a pass to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Other "food holidays" are: my birthday, cinco de mayo, st. patricks day (I love corned beef), and valentines day.
So feel free to join me on "food weekend; enjoy the sun, enjoy your city (wherever it may be), and enjoy some carby food and bbq.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plate of wings and a pint of stella to get to.
Have a great weekend!
I'm just excited to get the weekend started.
I love NYC this time of year. It's not too hot, it's not too cold...and it's so easy to see why people come to this city and fall in love with it, and never leave. I'm a sucker for weekends laying in the grass at Central Park, Happy Hours sitting outside in the middle of the week, and taking the long way to the subway just so that I can enjoy the last sunny moments of each day.
Yeah, I'm in a great mood :).
Adding to that fantastic mood is the fact that I have declared Memorial Weekend a "food holiday." I only allow for a few of these a year. In my little world, a "food holiday" is a pass to eat whatever you want, whenever you want. Other "food holidays" are: my birthday, cinco de mayo, st. patricks day (I love corned beef), and valentines day.
So feel free to join me on "food weekend; enjoy the sun, enjoy your city (wherever it may be), and enjoy some carby food and bbq.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a plate of wings and a pint of stella to get to.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Going Cold Turkey....
Last night as I cleaned my apartment, I made a startling discovery...
When I was cleaning the bathroom, I popped open the medicine cabinet and ate the Reese's peanut butter cup I found in there. As I put away laundry, I ate two Lindt dark chocolates that were stashed in my underwear drawer. And I didn't think anything of eating a small chocolate truffle that was discovered on top of my stereo.
Later that night as I ate three chocolate chips...I realized that there is chocolate hidden all over my apartment. It's like my own personal easter egg hunt.
Ladies and gentleman, now you know...
.......I am a chocoholic.
I don't eat large amounts in one sitting usually, but over any given day I graze on 5-7 small pieces. Hence, the need for it to be hidden in my apartment....annnnd in my desk at work.....and in my bag that I carry with me everyday.
It's a bizarre little habit....and probably not that good for me...so I've decided to quit.
No chocolate for seven days.
Starting tomorrow because I just mistakenly ate some M&M's.....
When I was cleaning the bathroom, I popped open the medicine cabinet and ate the Reese's peanut butter cup I found in there. As I put away laundry, I ate two Lindt dark chocolates that were stashed in my underwear drawer. And I didn't think anything of eating a small chocolate truffle that was discovered on top of my stereo.
Later that night as I ate three chocolate chips...I realized that there is chocolate hidden all over my apartment. It's like my own personal easter egg hunt.
Ladies and gentleman, now you know...
.......I am a chocoholic.
I don't eat large amounts in one sitting usually, but over any given day I graze on 5-7 small pieces. Hence, the need for it to be hidden in my apartment....annnnd in my desk at work.....and in my bag that I carry with me everyday.
It's a bizarre little habit....and probably not that good for me...so I've decided to quit.
No chocolate for seven days.
Starting tomorrow because I just mistakenly ate some M&M's.....
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Something to take comfort in
Let's face it. Life is stressful. Work, family, social lives...it's all stressful at times.
We gotta find the things that make us feel good...and today, after a particularly stressful day (and week) of work....I'm making a list of the things that make me feel so right.
And on a side note, lists make me feel good too ;)
*Happy Hour on Fridays with my best friends
*Going to the movies - any movie, I just love going
*Getting a window seat on the N train in the morning
*Staying in on a Saturday night, watching SNL, and sipping wine
*Peanut butter
*Having a day off from work in the middle of the week
*Weddings
*Everybody Loves Raymond - don't know why, but it puts me at ease
*Getting dressed up for a night out with my girl friends
*Going on "dates" with my boyfriend
*Sleeping in...until like 1pm
*Going away (anywhere!) for the weekend
*Greek salad with grilled chicken
*Amtrak - there is nothing more relaxing than napping in the "quiet car"
*Pop music...I love it, sad but true
*Laying on my bed watching tv alone, when my apartment is completely immaculate
*Reading in bed, scented candle lit, listening to my favorite cds
*Walking around my neighborhood in the evening with my ipod
*My mother's apartment
*Babysitting - even though i'm no teenager, i still love it
*Bachelorette parties
ahhhhh I just realize I could write this list forever.....so I'll stop myself....I feel better already.
So what makes you feel good?
We gotta find the things that make us feel good...and today, after a particularly stressful day (and week) of work....I'm making a list of the things that make me feel so right.
And on a side note, lists make me feel good too ;)
*Happy Hour on Fridays with my best friends
*Going to the movies - any movie, I just love going
*Getting a window seat on the N train in the morning
*Staying in on a Saturday night, watching SNL, and sipping wine
*Peanut butter
*Having a day off from work in the middle of the week
*Weddings
*Everybody Loves Raymond - don't know why, but it puts me at ease
*Getting dressed up for a night out with my girl friends
*Going on "dates" with my boyfriend
*Sleeping in...until like 1pm
*Going away (anywhere!) for the weekend
*Greek salad with grilled chicken
*Amtrak - there is nothing more relaxing than napping in the "quiet car"
*Pop music...I love it, sad but true
*Laying on my bed watching tv alone, when my apartment is completely immaculate
*Reading in bed, scented candle lit, listening to my favorite cds
*Walking around my neighborhood in the evening with my ipod
*My mother's apartment
*Babysitting - even though i'm no teenager, i still love it
*Bachelorette parties
ahhhhh I just realize I could write this list forever.....so I'll stop myself....I feel better already.
So what makes you feel good?
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